Unfortunately, I did not have a close relationship with my mother-in-law. As I reflect on our interactions, I am certain that my immaturity (I married her son when I was 19), and inexperience with financial budgeting, cooking and other domestic skills was concerning to her. From our first meeting she wasn’t very happy with me because I cut lettuce with a sharp knife, I felt like a disappointment. She was a very good woman, a strong woman and she raised a remarkable son, I just didn’t feel that I was good enough for her “Markie” (her nickname for Mark). Mark was an honorable son and I was his wife, together we did our best to love each other while serving his parents. I wish I could say that with time she and I grew closer, but that did not happen. As-a-matter-of-fact, it wasn’t until after Mark died that I felt she even appreciated me. In reflection, I recognize that my feelings of insecurity when I was with my mother-in-law, created emotional distance in our relationship.  As a wife and mother, many times I internally vowed that my interactions with a future daughter-in-law would promote relational security. I was determined that someday that woman, chosen and loved by my son, would feel fully accepted by me. 

In preparing to teach marriage classes at BYU, I have learned that typically the most strained extended family relationship is the one shared between a wife and her mother-in-law. This research has felt somewhat comforting as I reflect on my relationship with her; it’s nice to know we were normal! However, with all of my heart this is not the relational pattern I want to experience with my daughter(s)-in-law. (And I will add here, in my experience as a stepmother, I often feel more like a mother-in-law to my stepdaughters and stepdaughters-in-law than a mother. So, in my experience, what I’m sharing in this blog post could certainly apply to stepfamily relationships as well.) I want to create space for these relationships to thrive. At this Christmas season, many of us will spend time with extended family members, including mothers-in-law. I’ve written a letter as a mother-in-law, to share with a daughter-in-law, describing what I am hopeful for within our relationship.

Dear Daughter-in-law,

I have been a mother for more nearly 40 years now, and unfortunately, a lot of what I have learned in that time has come from my countless mistakes. Life has a way of teaching us by allowing us to be humbled through less-than-ideal experiences. So, with that humility, I ask that you learn a little about what I hope for in our relationship.

1. I want to have a meaningful relationship with you. I know that there will be times that I mess up, say the wrong thing or am insensitive to your needs. I hope you will directly tell me what you’re thinking and feeling. I want to be a person that you feel comfortable talking to, especially when I offend you. These vulnerable conversations will add depth and strength to our relationship, so please don’t hesitate to tell me what’s really going on.

2. My son has been my son for his whole, entire life. I have been the woman in his life since day one. Now you are! I don’t ever want to get in the way of your ability to cleave together as husband and wife. The success of your marriage and family is most important to me, don’t let me get in the middle of things. I may do that unintentionally at some point in time. If I do, please nicely set me straight.

3. I really want you to feel like we can be friends. I want you to know that you can ask me anything, depend on me when you’re in need, play with me on occasion and even FaceTime with me every so often. Especially when you have little ones! I want to be part of your life and I want you to be part of mine. 

4. When you ask me about my life, or invite advice or suggestions, it means the world to me. There are few things that help me feel as valued as when you show interest in my life experiences or ask for my advice about cooking, parenting, marriage and even sex. I hope you will occasionally ask me about me and what I’m thinking.

5. I want you to know that I have prayed for you ever since I held my infant son in my arms. I have prayed for you to have strength to stand for truth, to know how to work hard, to love the Lord and to have patience as you learn how to live with and love my son. You’ve had a place in my heart even before we met. I know that with you my son will feel happiness, joy and passion. I know that because of you my grandchildren will have faith to pray, courage to stand up for the underdog and confidence to do hard things. I honor and salute you as a remarkable woman who will bless and influence generations with your strength, wisdom and example of moral courage.

Please know of my love and appreciation for the beautiful woman you are and will yet become. I have your back. I am your biggest fan. I totally believe in you!

Love,

Tammy, Mom, Mom-in-law, Stepmom, Stepmom-in-law, Friend