Making couple friends can be hard. It is twice as hard as dating because rather than needing to figure out the compatibility of two people, you are dealing with four! It can cause tension in relationships where one partner really likes the other couple, but the partner can’t stand them! It is a whole new ballgame, and sadly not one that is talked about enough!

Because it isn’t talked about quite as often as it should be, there is room for things to go wrong. Not because people are bad per se, but rather because they are unaware of what they should (and should not) be doing.

Not Pacing Yourselves

This may be the number one problem I see when people are trying to make couple friends. They find a couple that they like and they dive in head first. They start planning weekly get togethers, vacations, and sometimes try to formulate a plan to get pregnant at the same time. After one outing !!!

Making couple friends is similar to dating. You don’t bring up things like meeting the parents or marriage on the first date. You need to slow your way into things! Otherwise you might scare off the other person – or in this case, the other couple.

Making couple friends can also be different from dating because when you are dating, you usually live alone or sometimes with roommates (which oftentimes you don’t choose). Once you’re in a committed relationship you already have someone else that you spend all your time with. Your partner is your number one! A big misconception in couple friends is that you’re still looking to find someone to spend all your time with – but you actually already have! You aren’t looking for another number one! You are looking for maybe a number two or three (or maybe even further down the line if you have family that lives close by). Remember that when looking, but also when making plans. You may want to spend every weekend with another couple, but they may be content with just once or twice a month.

Not Respecting Boundaries

If someone does feel a little overwhelmed at all the time they have been spending with you, they might set a boundary with you. You don’t need to get upset or take it personally. Rather, just respect that boundary and your friendship may flourish more because of it!

If someone says they don’t want help or that you don’t need to attend their performance, they probably mean it. Respect that as well. You may think you are helping or being supportive when in reality, you are just adding stress (and probably a little resentment) to their situation.

I have a friend who, when moving, absolutely hates help. She would rather pack up all of her own stuff so she knows where it all is, and then move it on her own to her new apartment so she can put boxes where they will go and save time overall. One time someone showed up when she was moving because they thought she was lying and still needed help. She was so annoyed that afterwards, she didn’t want anything to do with them! No means no!

Although, some people may be too afraid to ask for help or support so it is important to listen to the words they use. “I have a performance on Saturday night. You don’t need to come, but if you were I wouldn’t complain!” is different than “No, you don’t need to come on Saturday.” Make sure to use your listening skills to figure out when someone is trying to set a boundary or not.

Not Setting Boundaries

As much as you need to respect other boundaries, you also are making a big mistake if you don’t set your own. You absolutely do not need to say yes to every invitation to keep friendships going. You do not need to help out everytime someone asks you to. You do not need to discuss personal matters with someone if they ask. Talk with your spouse and figure out what boundaries you want to set.

You can even talk with friends you have now, and you might notice you can talk about different things with all of them. It could be because of interests, or it could be because of their personal boundaries. I have a group of two other girl friends who I am super close to. One friend and I talk all about wellness and school and just generally what’s going on. If I ask more personal questions, she gently veers away from the topic which has helped me realize she has a boundary around that. My other friend and I can talk about more deeply personal things, but we both still have boundaries around certain topics. I would say I am about equally close to these friends. We all have so much fun when we are together! We just know where each others’ boundaries are.

Boundaries should also be discussed with your spouse! Maybe you don’t have a problem discussing your finances with friends, but that is really uncomfortable for your partner. You also cannot be upset with your partner if they violated a boundary you haven’t talked about. So make sure to talk about boundaries you want to set with couple friends. And may I highly recommend setting a boundary around not talking negatively about your partner to others ?! Really. It makes everyone involved uncomfortable.

Not Having Fun!

Making friends is supposed to be fun. You are supposed to go out and enjoy yourselves! If you aren’t having fun – you’re doing it wrong! You don’t need to come home and analyze everything you said or be worried that they didn’t text you back after your outing (who came up with this ‘rule’ anyways?!). Just go have fun! Make new friends! And remember that friends will always come and go. You may be super close to some people during one phase of your life, but find yourself closer to others in another phase. That’s normal! Just keep having fun.