One question that Tammy finds in her inbox all too often is, “I’m getting married soon! What’s the best way I can set up my marriage for success?” While nothing can guarantee a perfect marriage (that’s not even normal), hopefully these tips get you a leg up on the new journey you are about to embark on!

Get Pre-Marital Counseling or Education

Premarital counseling can be extremely beneficial! Often things come out about your partner (or even yourself!) that can be beneficial to know before tying the knot! A therapist can also help you better understand your strengths as well as the spots that need extra attention in your relationship. If there is anything about your relationship that you’re concerned about, doing it with a couples therapist is a fantastic idea! They act as a neutral third party that can help you both hear each other’s sides of things and decide how you want to move forward.

While premarital counseling can be greatly beneficial, many couples are unable to afford it. This is where premarital education steps in! Many states offer discounted premarital education programs for couples. In Utah, the RELATE Foundation offers E-Prep – a $30 online course for premarital couples. Programs like these may not give you the same experience as a couples therapist, but they are a nice alternative if you are on a tight budget and still teach you many important principles about marriage! Because as much as we want to believe that marriage is a continuation of our dating relationships, there are many new things that come into the mix that are important to prepare for (i.e. money, children, sex, etc.).

Talk About Your Finances

I absolutely dreaded talking about finances with my now husband. I was living off paychecks month to month and barely had $200 in my bank account. I knew he had a full-ride scholarship, a well paying part-time job, and was great with money. When we finally had this chat, he just laughed. Not in a shameful ‘at me’ sort of way, but rather a, “I have a lot to teach you about money, but we can do this together” sort of way.

When you talk about finances, here are some important questions to talk about:

• How much money do each of you have in your individual bank accounts?
• How much do each of you have in investments?
• Do either of you have any debts that still need to be paid? (This includes student loans!)
• Once you’re married will you use a joint account? Or keep separate accounts? Or maybe even a mix of both?
• What are your financial goals? Do you want to buy a house? Start investing in retirement?
• Create a budget together for your income once you’re married. How much will you be able to afford for rent? Groceries? Miscellaneous? How much will you have in an emergency fund?
• Will you utilize mad money? (See this post to learn more).
• If you pay tithing, do you believe in paying tithing on your net or gross income?

Do Everyday Things With Each Other

When you are married, you do pretty much everything together! You go grocery shopping, to the gym, clean the house, and so much more! Doing these things before getting married can help you prepare for those routines after marriage, and also helps you get to know your fiance a lot better.

My now-husband and I would make dinner together often while dating and engaged. I learned more about what he likes to eat on a regular basis and also how particular he is about how his dishes are cleaned afterwards! Because of what I learned then, we decided at home I would make dinner and he would be in charge of dishes. Sometimes I still end up doing the dishes, and he usually ends up doing them a second time just to be sure they are to his standard. (To be fair, his standard isn’t really that high. I could be a bit more thorough at times… #whoops).

Spend Time With Each Other’s Families

One of the biggest conflicts in marriage (especially in new marriages) come with in-laws. There can almost be a sense of everyone feeling like they need to be putting their best foot forward so no one feels completely comfortable. The more time you spend with each other, the more you’ll be able to let your guard down. I understand that this isn’t always possible as many couples meet in college with families living far away, but when possible, try to meet most of the family before your wedding day.

Technology makes it a lot easier to spend time with family. If it’s difficult to get together with your in-laws, suggest a game night over Facetime or Zoom! You’d be surprised at how many games you are able to play from different locations!

Talk About Expectations For Your Wedding Night

Fun fact: You absolutely do not have to have sex on your wedding night. I mean, you definitely can if you want, but no one is going to know if you don’t! Talk about that! Talk about the when and where. You don’t need to talk about all the details, but having a general understanding of expectations is important!

And make sure to talk about supplies! Unless you’re immediately trying to get pregnant, what form of contraceptive will you be using? Depending on what you choose to use (such as the pill, an IUD, etc.) it may take a bit of time for it to actually work! Be sure to talk with your doctor to make sure it will be working when you need it to be!

Will one of you be bringing lubricant (highly recommended!)? Which type? Will you have any sex toys? All things to consider and discuss when planning for your wedding night!

Do you feel a bit more prepared now?! I sure hope so! The key here is a lot of communication! Over-communicating is actually a good thing. The more you talk about now, the less surprises you’ll have down the road. Good luck!